3 months

I can't believe it was only 3 months ago that I began this crazy journey.   On the 17th of this month we went to the temple. It was exactly where  I wanted to be.  In the temple it's quiet,  reverent, peaceful, and everyone talks in whispers!   I needed to show my gratitude for all the incredible blessings I have received and just be in the Lord's house for a while.  I felt this intense longing to go when I was in isolation, but knew that I was very radioactive!

  It was interesting to me that I was more emotional in the temple than I was when the doctor called to tell me the good news.  I knew it was because of many different reasons.  The last time I was in the temple I had been myself, now I feel different.  I look the same on the outside adding one bonus scar but inside I feel different.   It is difficult to describe in words on a blog.  As I looked back I felt the speed and lengthiness of my journey.   It was only 3 months ago, but many of those individual days felt like years alone!    Which is why I am so grateful to be on this side of the hill.  The healing is continuing and I am getting more and more strength.

It's funny that I am so excited about the little things.  Last week when I took Eliza to dance I did what I always did, I vacuumed the van at the gas station across the street.  It might not seem like a big deal but it made me so happy!!!  I had enough strength and energy to do something above the bare minimum.    It felt so good to take care of my kids and last week I made breakfast,  lunch and dinner all week! And cleaned up the majority of them. (Thanks to my incredible hubby for always being there to pick up my slack!)

I also find myself constantly gauging my energy level.  I'll go to do something and even start it and then run out of steam.  While I am resting i'll begin to question if my meds are working, or if I am on the right dose, or if it's just because I am a mom and I have 4 kids?! :-)  One thing that has bothered me some is that I found myself 100% back in the thick of things.  Meaning I am back to running around all crazy-like! And it was almost comical that I found myself thinking back on the first few weeks after my surgery and again "almost", wishing for that time when everything else fell by the wayside. Time slowed, kids activities were skimmed down and we really just spent so much time together.   Granted it was an uber stressful time but I physically cherished every second with my hubby and kids.   Fast forward 14 weeks and i'm back to being frustrated with messes and practicing, and complaining and whining, and how to fit everything we are scheduled to do while creating happy family moments.  It's tough, ya know?!

I know it's these experiences where we learn and grow the most.  As difficult and permanent (my voice) as they may be, I am grateful.  I definitely didn't do this on my own and I am grateful for the village that cared for me and my family.  I just wish I could freeze time, make it stand still while I snuggle my kiddos and eat ice cream with my hubby.  But alas, tomorrow will come with the good and the bad.

And just because he's so cute:

Dinner anyone?

Where do you go?

Where do you go when you find out that the cancer has been dealt with and that things are on the up and up?To DISNEYLAND!   (Which might have been a little presumptuous of my energy levels!)  We just got back from a very full week at Disneyland in California.  It was good to be with family and to escape the cold for a bit.   I had to post some of my favorite pics....be prepared to be bombarded!

My three favorite boys!

We stayed in "Andy's House" and it was fabulous.  

 The crew waiting for the parade

These two little rascals kept us all on our toes!  Good thing they're too cute to be frustrated with for too long.

 During one of my many rests I saw the cutest grandpa holding his little granddaughter and I just had to take a picture.  I want to be just like him, riding around Disneyland, holding the baby!

Good 'ol Splash Mountain.  Still terrifies me!

I love them so much!

Aren't they cute?!

We ended up walking about 6-8 miles a day.  Which was WAY more than I've done in months.  Needless to say I was overly exhausted most of the time.

 Unfortunately this little munchkin didn't like anything.  No rides for him.  Parades, yes, rides, no.

And he hates wearing pants.  The only reason the diaper is on is because he's in his onesie.  It's a must in keeping things where they're supposed to be!

And this little darlin' loves to meet people.  Not only does she love to meet new people she likes to make new friends instantly.  This was taken on the Ferry when I couldn't find her for a minute.  I turned around and there she was, sitting next to these fine ladies talking their ear off.  Notice how close she is?  Yep, no boundaries here.  Also notice her cute Anna dress?  Made that myself the night before we left.  That there is a bonafied Downeast special. 

The train ride around Disneyland.

Ever notice how there has to be some sort of terror on every ride? (minus Small World of course)  We hoped on the train and I was so excited to sit down for a bit.  Then we went into a dark tunnel, which was fine until the scary music started and then the big dinosaurs were attacking each other.  Another no-go for baby Mark.

Love playhouse Disney.  They always do such a great job.  I had to snag this picture of Elsa and Anna holding hands during the show.  Just because they love each other.

My own personal Jake.  

Me and Jake riding Mater's tractor round-up.  This is when I discovered that I had a queasy stomach before I had the radioactive iodine...now the queasiness is taken to a whole new level.  No more spinning rides for me.  Or roller coasters, or anything that moves.

Me and Mark, we'll save you seats for the parade! 

One thing that kept going through my mind as I sat and people watched was how many very different people frequent Disneyland.  So many cultures and languages represented.  Having just recently gone through a kind of traumatic experience and feeling very different on the inside I wondered at how many of the happy faces had some sort of trial going on.  I know that everyone goes through many different circumstances and each one experiences even similar circumstances differently.  I envisioned a kind of text bubble on top of each person.  Explaining the problems they were going through, like:  "difficult marriage", or "heart troubles", or "trying for a baby", or "family relation problems", or "financial problems".  As I did that I truly wished it were that easy.  That we could see and help those struggling around us, buoy them up with our encouragement like so many have done for me.   Other times I wished that I had that bubble when I was pushing the stroller, or had some less than friendly people in line around us.  I wanted them to know that I was struggling and didn't have the energy to put on my mask.   

This trip was very different from our other trips to Disneyland.  We used to live in Pasadena while Josh was attending USC.  We had the best ward and group of friends we would do park, pool, and Disneyland days. Most of us had Southern California annual passes so we would frequent the park often.  I have fond memories of my two little girls in their twinner Snow White dresses standing in lines to go on the rides, or getting a big bag of Kettle corn for my treat home as the little ones always fell asleep.  It was a very magical place then.  It was a world of princesses and fireworks and youthful energy.   This time the first thing I noticed was the noise level.  Naturally that's what I notice wherever I go now.  I gauge the level of noise to see how hard I have to strain to get my voice heard.  Disneyland definitely takes the cake.  By the end of the day my throat and neck hurt so bad!  But one of the greatest blessing in my life is that my kids have adapted so well.  I clap, I snap, and 3 heads turn.  They look for me and wait to see what I need to say.  It really  helped my crowd anxiety.  I knew they would listen, unfortunately the littlest one has yet to catch on to mommy's soft voice and thinks that running away is the greatest game ever.  Well, we'll take what we can get.