3 months

I can't believe it was only 3 months ago that I began this crazy journey.   On the 17th of this month we went to the temple. It was exactly where  I wanted to be.  In the temple it's quiet,  reverent, peaceful, and everyone talks in whispers!   I needed to show my gratitude for all the incredible blessings I have received and just be in the Lord's house for a while.  I felt this intense longing to go when I was in isolation, but knew that I was very radioactive!

  It was interesting to me that I was more emotional in the temple than I was when the doctor called to tell me the good news.  I knew it was because of many different reasons.  The last time I was in the temple I had been myself, now I feel different.  I look the same on the outside adding one bonus scar but inside I feel different.   It is difficult to describe in words on a blog.  As I looked back I felt the speed and lengthiness of my journey.   It was only 3 months ago, but many of those individual days felt like years alone!    Which is why I am so grateful to be on this side of the hill.  The healing is continuing and I am getting more and more strength.

It's funny that I am so excited about the little things.  Last week when I took Eliza to dance I did what I always did, I vacuumed the van at the gas station across the street.  It might not seem like a big deal but it made me so happy!!!  I had enough strength and energy to do something above the bare minimum.    It felt so good to take care of my kids and last week I made breakfast,  lunch and dinner all week! And cleaned up the majority of them. (Thanks to my incredible hubby for always being there to pick up my slack!)

I also find myself constantly gauging my energy level.  I'll go to do something and even start it and then run out of steam.  While I am resting i'll begin to question if my meds are working, or if I am on the right dose, or if it's just because I am a mom and I have 4 kids?! :-)  One thing that has bothered me some is that I found myself 100% back in the thick of things.  Meaning I am back to running around all crazy-like! And it was almost comical that I found myself thinking back on the first few weeks after my surgery and again "almost", wishing for that time when everything else fell by the wayside. Time slowed, kids activities were skimmed down and we really just spent so much time together.   Granted it was an uber stressful time but I physically cherished every second with my hubby and kids.   Fast forward 14 weeks and i'm back to being frustrated with messes and practicing, and complaining and whining, and how to fit everything we are scheduled to do while creating happy family moments.  It's tough, ya know?!

I know it's these experiences where we learn and grow the most.  As difficult and permanent (my voice) as they may be, I am grateful.  I definitely didn't do this on my own and I am grateful for the village that cared for me and my family.  I just wish I could freeze time, make it stand still while I snuggle my kiddos and eat ice cream with my hubby.  But alas, tomorrow will come with the good and the bad.

And just because he's so cute:

Dinner anyone?