maybe not the best idea we've ever had

Cancer was not in the plans. I specifically scheduled my surgery before the holidays so I could recover and be on my merry way. I had also previously scheduled to have our kitchen cabinets redone in white and I was going to redo the countertop all in September before my surgery. But then the mold and Joshua's surgery put us back a bit.  So I thought no problem we'll just have the guy come out the week after I have half my thyroid out and then I'll have a new kitchen to look forward to.   Plans. Ugh. Well the man we paid money to come do it kept giving us excuse after excuse why he couldn't come. After a month of it I finally told him, "if we're laying all our cards on the table I have CANCER and would just really like a white kitchen!" So Josh had to get tough and supposedly he is coming in January to finish them. Anyway back to the countertop paint box that has been on my counter since August.   Since I have been off my meds and on this uber fun low iodine diet for almost two weeks I have been sluggish and just really down.  It's like I'm stuck in a giant mud puddle and walking or lifting my arms take extra, extra effort. Even my brain is filled with mud and I try to search for words or thoughts only to come up with muddy empty hands.  Enter my prince in shining safety goggles.  He got up on Saturday and asked how I felt and I was feeling not too bad. He said good, because you need a distraction,  let's paint the counter today.  Well if he was on board then I knew he could muscle all the prep work and I could do the fancy painting and we could get it done! After all the tutorial video said new counters in a day! And I watched her prep, prime, paint and top coats all in just 15 min! Piece of cake.  Here's what we had to work with:

 See that not so pretty strip of wood along the counter? There were places it was a big divit and needed to be filled. My husband is a genius and got some great stuff called Bond-o. Great name. For the spy or a really unimaginative creator.  But it does exactly that. Bonds things together, smells like noxious fumes straight up, and sets up like a speeding bullet.  You seriosuly have seconds to get it how you want it to look or you're in trouble.  While Josh is doing this i'm scrubbing the counters and cleaning things to get them ready for the primer. Josh then asks, "since we're doing this why don't you go pick out a new sink and some other things we need at the hardware store". Um, yes. So before he could realize what he said I went to Home depot. I sat in the sink isle and stared at all the options and picked my favorite and had a nice gentleman put it in my car for me. I was exhausted and we hadn't started painting yet!   I get my new beautt home and we size up the sink and it won't fit, because it's in a tight corner. And before I can even start to be upset Josh says,"no worries,  it will work fine." And he gets out his hand saw and starts cutting things. 

Now we are into mid afternoon and the planned Farmington Santa outing got nixed and all the counters I had scrubbed had sawdust everywhere! Everywhere I tell you! So we start again prepping.  I wash everything down and fill in some more cracks we find.  We had the ward  party at 5pm and Josh had to be there because he was leading the music. I stayed home because it's really hard to be around people eating food you can't.  Just a small form of torture. (What I would do for a glass of milk right now.....) Anyway by the time he got home and we put the kids to bed it was time to prime.  That's when we read that the primer has to wait 8 hours to dry before you can start painting it. Of course it does. 

Now another juicy detail to this story is that this is usually the weekend I do the kids photo books on Snapfish.  When we started this process I just figured I would do them during the drying times.  So while Josh primed I scrapbooked our memories.  That was wonderful and hard at the same time. I have amazing, wonderful, beautiful children.  I love documenting our year but it was really hard and at times physically painful to see the old mom.  The before mom.  I thought sometimes to the picture yes you were stressed that day about pictures or schedules or other hard mommy things but you had a VOICE!!!! You could go into public and not have an anxiety attack every 3 minutes.   You were carefree in the fact you didn't have cancer and the stigma and fears that go along with it.  So as I went through picture after picture I decided that next year when I do the photo books I promised myself that I would have a year filled with pictures of a happy and loving mom. Filling my kids books with memories of good times. That although their mom is defective she is still the same mom she was before.  (Joshua jr explains it by cupping his hands together back and forth saying this is how my throat works....and this is how my mom's throat works,  and keeps one hand still while moving the other.)  Josh and I went to bed that night exhausted but had the kitchen primed, a hole for the sink, dishes in the bathroom, and no oven. Cue murphy. 

Sunday morning we ate in the living room and I kept scrapbooking away. We had decided it was a day of rest and we just pretended were camping.  Then the mudroom started flooding because our water heater was leaking. So all the mudroom contents came into our little dining room and I said we had to move to higher ground and we put the kids in the car and headed to Provo. Grandma's house. My sweet, sweet husband packed me food to take down and started to make me a steak when he realized the salt he had used was iodized and looked so defeated.  He was so upset. I told him not to worry and locked myself in another room and kept on scrapbooking and enjoyed my bland salad. We drove back home late dropping joshua off at cousins. Now the coupon ended midnight on Sunday so at 11:58 I had finished and clicked order now.  That's when one whole book I had been working on in Provo deleted. Lost in the vast emptiness of internet never to be recovered. And I wept. Wept and cried and yelled (only I knew it was yelling), and carried my sore carcass up the stairs to sob into my pillow.

Monday morning came like it always does and I had a lovely 8:30 doctor visit that is so, so, so horrible it's funny and if we are friends ask me and I will tell you and we can laugh together but it isn't something I can readily post.  

After the good times that morning I was in a lot of pain but bound and determined that no other catastrophe could stop me from slapping some paint on those countertops and claiming my kitchen back.  So I painted, and I sponged, and blotted, and poured and I mixed and I loved it.  I had a vision and I knew what I wanted it to look like.  I could see the end result in my mind I just had to have the strength to get there.  And layer after layer I began to see what it was becoming.  It was becoming something beautiful.  And as I would stand back to see the big picture I began to feel like that countertop.  I began to compare my imperfections to things that weren't given to me to defeat me, but to make me beautiful.  That the filling, and the sanding, and yes even the sawing and cutting was part of a bigger picture that I couldn't see. We were made to go through life and trials. It's in our blood and it's in our spirit. Our glorious Heavenly Father made our bodies be able to heal scratch after scratch. We are not given a limit of scratches or a limit of how many bruises we can have.   Now my body cannot by itself heal this cancer, and my cut nerve may or may never heal. But throughout this all I can know joy and I can have hope and I can create. 

Romans 8:  18 "For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us"

I just read this this morning and it spoke to my soul. Straight from the bible. (But in my mind I hear it in the voice of Andy Griffith from Mayberry) And knew this post had to be shared.  Glory. It's there in all of us and one day it will even be in my kitchen. Yesterday proved to be a harder day as I learned you can make mac and cheese in a rice cooker and grilled steak and veggies in my George foreman on my dryer and last night we were ready to install the sink. (Because we read again after starting this whole process that even if you are done with all the top coats that your husband stayed up all night doing you have to wait 24 hrs before you can use the counters.)  Midnight found us once again but alas, the sink has won. 

Ring my bell

This is my dinner bell. I love it! Thank you amazon for delivering it and thank you hubby for installing it.  I ring it when I want the kids to come into the kitchen and do you know what? It works every time! Seriosuly, why did I have to get cancer to get one of these? No more yelling up the stairs or outside. I open the window if they are outside and they can hear it. It's wonderful.

Other ways that I have adapted is that I now am the proud owner of a nautical whistle.

Thank you Baron Von Trapp for showing me the many useful calls you can use to summon your children. Although I have only managed the one long, one loud call we are working on it. Grace thinks it fun and while I wear it when we are out and about as an emergency tool to bring me comfort and decrease anxiety, little girl #2 thinks it fun to walk away just far enough to try to get me to use it!! Ugh.   And again thank you Amazon.  Seriously is there no end to your treasures?!  I loved when I got it, it came in a wooden box with some history about why they were used.   Captains used these whistles to give calls to their sailors on the water because their voice wouldn't carry over the wind and waves.   Hmmm. I totally get it. My voice gets lost in a crowded room with just the waves of other's voices.

I have been more frustrated lately with my voice.  I think it's in part due to Christmas.  I love to sing and didn't think twice when Dean came on the radio and just sang along. Not so much anymore.  I try to just listen to the music and not get annoyed but it. is. so. hard.   My son was singing Frosty and forgot a bunch of the words and asked me to sing with him.  I gave it my all but my middle range is gone. It sounds raspy and pretty much awful.  I hate it.  On the other hand my animal sounds are amazing. While reading The Big Red Barn I can moo, and whiny with the best of them.  My youngest loves it.   So while O Holy Night might not be in the repertoire,  don't be surprised if we come caroling and it's Old MacDonald instead.  

A very fortunate soul.

All I want from you is.......your voice.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VyFVG4VfPmg



 (Disney's The Little Mermaid, one of my favorite movies as a kid)

 I hear this song in my mind a few times a day.   And some of the lyrics hit home, "..in pain, in need."  And others, "Just a token really.  A trifle.....it won't cost much, just your voice."    And let's be grateful that I still have, "my looks, my pretty face, and don't underestimate the importance of body language."

Last week we were having dinner and Eliza had lost her voice due to a cold.   Josh and I were trying to get her to eat and told her it would help her get better faster.  She looked at me and asked if it would help her voice.  I said yes.  Then I saw the wheels turning in her head and said, "It won't help mine....mine's in a shell somewhere and daddy hasn't found it yet."    We had a good laugh over that one. Slowly but surely I am getting more of my voice back.  In the mornings I sound half decent and it isn't painful to talk.  By the evening it's much harder.  I am learning that a voice nap in the afternoons helps a lot.  And my hope is that Santa will put one of these, http://www.amazon.com/PWMA50B-Waist-Band-Microphone-Rechargeable-Batteries/dp/B005I2YJPM/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1417021822&sr=8-1&keywords=voice+amplifier under the tree for me.

At this Thanksgiving time I do feel very, very fortunate.  We are so grateful that I found the cancer in the early stages, we are grateful that regardless of the complications I can still be the mom I was meant to be.   We are grateful for friends and family who have rallied the troops and brought meals, cleaned house and helped with kids.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.   You truly are God's angels.  Now for the good news....my ultrasound came back "clean" and my thyroglobulin level came back low enough for me not to need additional surgery!!!  YEPEE!  Hooray!  So happy and SO, SO grateful for miracles.  Thank you for your prayers and faith on my behalf.   So I get to glut myself for Thanksgiving and then go on my low-iodine diet and stop taking my meds on Saturday in preparation for the radioactive iodine.  

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Now lest I continue with idle prattle if anyone sees a possessed woman with a glowing seashell around her neck, text me.  I need to send my prince off to smash it.

Cheap therapy

The week prior to my surgery my cousin lost her sweet daughter in an auto-pedestrian accident.  She was only 18 months old. She blessed this earth for only 566 days. That is too short.   It is a tragic and horrible thing to have to bury one so small. As I felt helpless in trying to figure out what I could do for her I remembered reading on a friends blog about when she lost her daughter.  She was so mad she said she just felt like breaking something.  She had said this at a friends home and that sweet woman went to her cupboard and picked up one of her china plates and handed it to her and said chuck it. I have always remembered that.

One month later I opened my kitchen cupboard and reminded Josh that he didn't like the plates and bowls we had, and that paper goods were doing just fine for us anyway.  I packed a laundry basket full of dishes and went down to her house.  My sis-in-law met me there and at first it was a little awkward.  I was there to offer support but it was also the first time I had seen her since my diagnosis.  After hugs and trying to figure out what to say I explained the reason for the dishes.  I said that I have had moments where I just wanted to break something and thought she might have had a few of those herself.  And then I asked if she wanted to go outside and break them. I loved my sis-in-law's reaction...."i've never broken a dish on purpose before!"  We went out to a small cement pad in her backyard. It was just perfect, like it was purposely created to throw dishes onto.

The sound of breaking glass/ceramics is an awesome one. Especially when done on purpose.  It's a little nerve wrecking when you hear it in a crowded restaurant knowing some poor waiter dropped it on accident. That fall day the three of us stood around this cement pad and poured out our frustrations.  As we held each item we said something that made us mad, angry or just so sad and then proceeded to throw and smash dish after dish.  We cried and laughed and yelled and it was incredible.  And then as any good mamas would do we grabbed the brooms and cleaned up our mess.  

Breaking dishes really solved nothing, but leaving that day somehow I felt better.  That the anger I had been feeling inside had an outlet and was OK.   I highly recommend it for anyone that is having a hard time.   Heck, I even have a few dishes left in my cupboard come on over and we'll break them.  

The hardest moment so far....

Throughout this journey there have been days where I will feel ok, and then the next second I start crying.  My toddler and I are in mini-meltdown mode.
The second week after my surgery Joshua said, "Mom, my neck hurts" and bent his head to the side. There on the side of his neck was a lump about the size of a large marble.  Seriously?!  I thought this can't be happening.   So I scheduled him for a doctor appointment the next day.  Josh was at work and I took the boys to the doctor.  I was ok and mentally prepared myself for being in public and talking to people.  When we got there I explained to the doctor about my situation with the cancer and vocal cord. I told him I was extremely anxious about Joshua and just wanted to have him checked out.   We decided to have his blood drawn and then do a round of antibiotics to see if it would go down.   As a nurse this was basically what I expected.  So I explained to Joshua that they had to take some of his blood. He knew what this required having seen me have my blood drawn many times.  I told him he could do it.  I let him watch Jake and the Neverland pirates on my phone, (thank you distractions) and the first nurse came in.  She tried and missed.  Now I know that happens having missed plenty of times myself.  But I still was almost at the point to draw it myself.  So the second nurse came in and brought two others with her to hold him down.  When he had just sat still during the first attempt.  I tried to tell her he would hold still if she just explained things to him.  She sort of brushed me off and started to position him and put the tourniquet on.  Anyone who has worked pediatrics knows that the tourniquet is the worst part and makes the kid freak out. Which is exactly what Joshua did. He stood up on the table and started screaming.  The nurses were trying to grab him and I was trying to calm him down.  The only problem was he couldn't hear me.   I'm the mom and I couldn't comfort my frightened child because he couldn't hear me.  I was so upset I turned to the nurses and had them stop and back away.  Then with one arm holding Mark I half climbed onto the exam table and grabbed Joshua and pulled him down so I could whisper in his ear.  I again explained to him that moving makes it worse and they want to hold you down but if you trust mama I will hold you and you can do this.  Still holding Mark I held Joshua "down" with one arm, he was crying, Mark was crying and I was crying.  After the 4 vials were filled he sat up and I just held him.  The nurse said he was so brave she gave him 2 suckers.  Unfortunately Mark also had to get a shot and I had to hold him down also.  When he was done Joshua leaned over and gave him a kiss and held out one of his suckers.  He is such a loving big brother.
We are just about done with the antibiotics (2nd round) and his lump is significantly smaller.  We are hopeful it's just an overactive lymph node.

A letter

Dear Yoga stranger,

Thank you for kindness the other day.  I was very nervous to go to a class but felt like I needed to exercise.  I was explaining the whole cancer thing to the instructor and when I got to the part where I don't know when i'll have to do radioactive iodine you just come over and hugged me.    You didn't say anything and it was a brief hug but it was enough.    In our world of technology a hashtag or little heart symbol can only do so much.  So thank you.  That hug buoyed me up and kept be going.  And thank you for sending a smile my way when I snuck out only lasting a little while.

namaste

Josh's update

Hi all,

I thought I’d give you an update on how Sherri is doing. She is feeling better every week with some rough days and some better days. She’s on a low hormone dose until she does the radioactive iodine and that is really affecting her energy levels. I’m back at work full time, but I haven’t actually had a week where I didn’t take time off yet since her surgery. She is able to take care of the children while I’m at work but doesn’t have a whole lot of energy for much else and I often end up getting in to work late and leaving early to help with things. We are able to do the necessary things to keep afloat and a lot of the other things can wait.

Thank you to all that have helped in any way during this hard time.

On Sunday Sherri went to sacrament meeting, (http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/sacrament-meeting) for the first time since her surgery. There was a musical number where our neighbors sang as a family. That was hard for Sherri because it hit her that she’ll probably not be able to do that with her family. She has expressed her (left recurrent laryngeal) nerve having been cut is definitely the hardest thing she is dealing with right now. It’s especially frustrating sometimes for both of us because it’s so rare (about 1 in 200). The doctor said he’s only cut one other RLN nerve before and that was 15 years ago. Nerve damage occurs more frequently (5% to 15%) but much of the damage being temporary. About 2-3% end up with permanent nerve damage with some fraction of that having complete Unilateral Vocal Fold Paralysis (UVFP).

The speech therapist says Sherri has done extremely well and is very surprised by how well she can talk. She still has to concentrate very hard to swallow so she doesn’t aspirate her food or drink. She has exercises to strengthen her voice. I took her out on a date on Saturday night and we went to a sushi place at 7 but it was too loud for her to speak over the noise so we left and came back at 9 when it was quiet.

Sherri is having labs drawn today to determine whether there are chemical indications of significant tumor mass remaining. She’ll have an ultrasound on her neck to look for tumors on Friday. If those tests indicate she does not have a lot of cancer mass in her body, they will put her on a low iodine diet and stop her thyroid medication for two weeks. This will probably cause her to feel tired and unwell to some degree and may affect her reaction times enough to prohibit her from driving. After the 2 weeks (probably a week after Thanksgiving), she will get a dose of radioactive iodine (RAI) to target and destroy any remaining thyroid (cancer) tissue in her body.

If the tests this week indicate she has substantial cancer tissue remaining, they will send her back for additional operations to remove it before she has RAI treatment. This obviously would introduce additional risks.  In fact, when the cancer was found in 3 of 5 lymph nodes, the surgeon considered a possible follow up surgery to remove more lymph nodes but after consulting colleagues he decided that the risk to the remaining functional RLN nerve was too great. If the other nerve is damaged, she would need a tracheotomy in order to breathe. While the risk of permanent damage to that remaining nerve is small (2-3%), it is still significant.

Naturally, we are hoping and praying for no more surgery and that RAI treatment takes care of the cancer for good. Sherri will be isolated for about 4 days while she is radioactive. RAI often affects taste and sometimes causes painful inflammation in salivary glands for weeks to months.

Sometime after reviewing the lab results and ultrasound and perhaps even after the RAI treatment, the endocrinologist will give Sherri a final cancer staging. It will be stage I or II. They have already ruled out stage III and IV cancer. We will let you know what we find out.

Thank you for your prayers and support!