Help

(http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yWP6Qki8mWc
Ahh the Beatles. Classic)

I had my first panic attack on Saturday at our ward Hoe Down.  (Ward explanation:
http://www.mormon.org/faq/ward-stake-branch)
On the calendar was this ward function and the whole time I was just planning on sending Josh and the kids. Then Saturday arrives and I start to get angry that the cancer is stopping me from enjoying my life. Josh asked me if I was going to be ok and I told him that I didn't want the cancer to ruin my life. If I hadn't just been through what I had we would pack the kids in the car and go and that was exactly what I wanted to do.  Put on a happy face and pretend things were good.  So we did.  We got there and it was good to be out of the house. It was good to see friendly and caring faces and it horrible the second I heard the music.  It was loud and it was country and it was right by the tables where everyone was sitting.   Now I was working really hard to be heard above a whisper this was darn near impossible.   So I got in the chili line with the kids and had to bend down and yell (whisper as loud as I could) in their ears to ask them what they wanted.  Then when we sat down everyone came to ask how I was doing. Bless my husband. He was trying to field all the questions from every side and take care of the kids and somehow eat himself.  I was still very uncomfortable eating in front of anyone and had to duck my head with each bite. There was a cup of water in front of me but I dared not drink in case I started choking. I was grateful that it was chili and somewhat easy to swallow.  The kids wanted to go feed some chickens so josh took the older ones and I was left without my knight to defend me.  I told him to go and kept telling myself I could do this.  But it quickly became apparent that I couldn't.  The baby was fussy and I was too weak to wrestle with him.  I could see Josh a ways off but couldn't call to him. So I had to go close to him and urgently whisper that we needed to go.  I have never felt so physically safe and protected inside my own home as I did that night. As we drove up our long driveway I felt instantly safe.  Nobody was looking at me, I didn't have to talk, I could eat and cough and gag and it wasn't a big deal.

Why is it so hard to ask for help? Why are we so prideful that we can't ask? Why does it make me feel like merely asking implies that I am incapable and therefore worthless.

  I had my second panic attack the following week when I was on my own meaning Josh had gone back to work but usually ended up coming home early because I called him crying.  It was Friday and I had decided that no matter what I wasn't going to call him. We had suffered with the stomach flu all week with each child picking a different night to be awake and throwing up. It went mostly well until the afternoon. That's usually when it gets hard for me and today my throat was really tight. It was getting harder to breathe and swallow. Josh had texted a few times and I gave non-committal replies.   He tried calling but I knew if I answered he'd come home.  (That's just who he is. He gets up and goes to work after taking the girls to school, works all day, comes home and does laundry, cleans up dinner, bathes and gets kids to bed then stays up until midnight working.  He's amazing and I love him more today than ever.)
So I layed on the floor and tried to focus on breathing. I tried to play with the baby but was having a hard time.  I texted a few people trying to non challantley set up playdates but nothing worked out.  I needed help but didn't know how to ask.  It's so hard.  It's hard because everyone says, "Give me a call if you ever need anything" or "let me know if I can help".  But actually calling them is really, really hard.
But through all this I have been blessed by so many angels.  People who have just shown up on my doorstep with meals when I couldn't even think about cooking.  They have fed us and cared for us. A dear friend showed up just to do my dishes and left, another came by at night with her bucket of cleaning supplies and said I'm here to clean your bathrooms and then did just that.  I have been sent boxes of sunshine, flowers,  notes of love and prayers. People have picked up my kids and came and cried with me.  I have been buoyed by their strength and kindness.  To all of you angels thank you.  You will never know the depth of my gratitude and love.
That day of panic I came across this and again felt encouragement from on high:
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2zk2tyEM9i8