October 17th - T-day

(The day had come even though I had hoped we'd just skip the 17th of the month of October.    This is my "before" picture, except in this case the before is the better looking one and the after is the scary one!)

The night before I drove the kids down to my in-laws.  I hated packing their suit cases.  I hated that their life was being interrupted by some stupid little nodules on my thyroid.  I hated that I had to wean breastfeeding my youngest because I was going to have surgery.  Granted the older kids were excited for their grandparent vacation and so we just kept things upbeat.  When we arrived the kids ran in and my mom-in-law gave me a hug. I kept up a brave face and waved to the kids.  I was doing fine until I had to put the baby in grandma's arms and leave him. He was kicking and screaming.  He did not want me to leave him and I did not want to go, I had a good cry on the way home.    All of the uncertainty was coming to a head and I was a basket case.  My husband and I had decided to go on a date since the kids were away.  We were going to meet up at Cafe Rio and I was a little early so I called him to see where he was.  I got his voice mail at work and for some strange reason decided to leave a message and as I was thinking of what to say a song popped into my head so I sang, "I just called to say I love you".   This proved to be no accident but a tender mercy.

That night as we got ready for bed Josh asked if I had packed yet.  Nope. Nada.  If I don't pack I don't have to go.  It was so surreal packing for a trip to the hospital with no baby inside of me.  Usually the packing meant the baby was coming which was something to look forward to.  Not this time, but we were hopeful that I'd just have a partial thyroidectomy and be home the next day...feeling better the next week.

We went in and I was nervous.  In the back of my mind I thought it might be cancer but I kept pushing those thoughts away with positive thinking.  I got into their lovely papery gown, (Which was uber cool because it had a patient warming system that could hook up to it and keep warm air on me the whole time.  First time coming out of anesthesia WITHOUT shaking violently!) donned a blue cap, met with the anesthesiologist who gave me a miracle sticker to put behind my ear to help me not get nauseous, kissed my husband and was wheeled into the operating room.

As I so gracefully scooted in a paper gown from one gurney to another I started to panic.  As they put the oxygen mask over my face I began to cry.  As I looked up into the bright light blinding me I began to sob.  My doctor, Dr. M., came over and patted my shoulder and bent down and said in my ear, "you're going to be fine".  Then as I felt my body start to calm thanks to whatever they had put in my IV I could hear some oldies music playing, and saw my doctor start to dance and I smiled as I drifted off to Neverland.

As I began to come out of the fog I could feel my husband near me before I even opened my eyes.  He was holding my hand and rubbing it.  I remember laying on my side and Josh being really close to my face.  I knew something happened just by looking at him.  He said, "honey, they had to remove all of your thyroid because you have cancer."

CANCER

One of the ugliest words in our language.  A frightening and awful word.  It bounced around in my foggy brain a while.  I hoarsely whispered what kind.  The preliminary results were papillary but we would know more after the pathology report was back.  Ugh.  I asked him what happened and he told me about his ordeal.

He was alone in the waiting room because my parents were out of the country, and his were tending our flock.  Alone he waited for the 1 hr 20 min surgery to be done.  At 1 hr 30 min he began to get nervous at 2 hours he was researching everything on thyroid cancer and at close to 3 hours he sighed in relief when my name went from the OR color to the recovery room color on the monitor.  That's when our doctor looking somber asked him to join him in the conference room. Not a good sign.  My poor husband.  I can't imagine doing that alone.  The doctor explained to him that they had successfully removed the right lobe and sent it down to the lab and started closing me up.  Then the lab called and said they found cancer in the right side and to remove the left.  He stopped his story there as I was riding the morphine wave and needed to rest.  He also said he needed to go for a walk and left pretty emotional.

 A little later when I was more coherent Josh held my hand and explained there were complications.  The doctor had severed my left laryngeal nerve which was why my voice wasn't working.  Wow talk about double whammy.   As I tried to process what that meant I had a flashback.  I was on my knees praying.  For the past year or more I have been on my knees praying and asking Heavenly Father for help in not yelling at my kids.  I hate yelling and I hate that I lose my temper at the kids now and again.  I have admired some close friends in their ability to talk patiently to their kids and the soft voice they use.  One night in particular I remember explaining to God why I thought it was easier for them, they naturally had a soft voice all the time.  I told him I naturally had a loud and commanding voice so sometimes even if I said things nicely they came out sounding bossy.  If I only had a soft voice then even if I was stern it wouldn't be so harsh.  Well, be careful what you pray for. =)  As Josh was holding my hand I said, "my prayers were answered and now I have a soft voice".   And then we cried and mourned and cried a bit more.  

That night as we were getting ready for bed Josh opened the scriptures to where we were. (We have 4 books we read from, the Holy Bible, the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price.)  We had just finished Doctrine and Covenants 97 the night before and so he opened to chapter 98.  Sitting in that dark hospital room that felt so heavy he began to read: 

Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks;

 2 Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament—the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted.

 3 Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name’s glory, saith the Lord.

It was as if someone had removed the barbell from my heart.  We both began to cry as we realized we had been given a very specific message from our Heavenly Father.  In that moment I realized that whatever was ahead, whatever else we were given it would be ok.  I would give thanks and I knew that I was not alone.  We were not alone.  My "voice" was heard and my pain and heartache was felt by someone else, my Savior.  

(The after glamour shot.)