Homeward bound

The next morning Dr. M. came in to remove the drain.  How do you remove a drain? Think 3rd grade tug of war with your neck being the losing team.  After recess was over we asked him a lot of questions.  He reassured us that he has never had a patient die from papillary carcinoma. That I was young and had an excellent prognosis.  In fact because of my age I could only be in stage 1 or 2 because the requirements for stage 3 or 4 was older than 45.  He also explained that he was surprised I had felt the lumps.  He said it was divine inspiration for sure because they were so small.  That's why they had begun to close me up, they hadn't thought it was cancer at all.  He said that it was while removing the left side they saw that they had cut my nerve.  I whispered and asked if he had done it before and he said only once 15 years ago.  I was one of those rare cases.

When you have a paralyzed vocal cord swallowing is difficult,  especially right after surgery.  Water is the worst. As I lay there my nurses training kicked in and I would tuck my chin down when I swallowed. I thought of some of the stroke patients I had taken care of.  We got online and I ordered thick-it a nasty thickiner but wonderful in making it so I didn't choke.  Taking pills is awful and I would gag and sorta cough and gag again.  We were released from the hospital that day and then our kids were brought home on Sunday.  

Most of the time I whispered because it was so much easier.  Funny thing about whispering.....people around you whisper back.  I would be saying something to Josh and he would whisper a reply. I smiled and reminded him that he had a voice.  When our kids arrived it really hit home that I was different.   I'm the mom.  I call upstairs to come to dinner.  I call outside to come in from playing.  We sing and talk all day long.  Now I had this raspy voice that had no volume.  In my head I kept saying it's ok you're going to be ok.

That first night my baby was back he was mad and fussy.  I held him but couldn't for very long.   I sat in the boys room in the rocker and Josh sat beside us. I have sung every night I have put my kids to bed. Josh and I usually sang a spider web duet song to the kids. I had a made up song for changing diapers and for taking naps, I sang them the good morning song from singing in the rain to wake them up. I even taught a music class once a week for most of my children's lives. I love to sing.  When you are incapable of doing something that was so natural to your body and soul you have to really focus on the positive or else you get depressed.   That night as Josh sang for me while I held the baby I was so frustrated.  And baby could tell so he started to fuss so I put him on my chest and hummed.  I was only able to hum a few bars of I am a child of God but it instantly calmed him.  It took so much effort, like running up a mountain. The breathing part was the hardest, but I was so proud of myself.  Josh was so proud of me.  I told myself then that I would sing again. It may be a baritone and it may take some time but I will get there. I don't need to sing for anyone but myself and my kids.